Beautifully Broken and he loves me
It’s inevitable. It seems things are happening…. like REALLY happening. I often think this isn’t real. I never saw this happening. I want to believe with all of my might again but that little tiny voice that realistic wench is telling me to wait. Last night I saw him. The real Master i’ve known was within him all along. Especially today and this morning. It’s an incredible feeling. It was a turn on. It was enticing. I was entranced. Sucked in. Seduced. Hypnotized. Like he could do anything and everything and it was okay to TRUST him and his word.
I know mistakes have been made and so much will need to be worked through, mended, fixed, changed on both of our ends. I’m willing to do that. There are somethings i’m not ready to change in the way he wants because we have different view points. However I feel that if things go the way we hope and pray and this big life event does take place. I feel I can prove more so than I can from a distance. We are both believers of actions over words, and like most human beings actions are usually a change that takes place within your own eyesight. Not something you read or hear but something seen with your eyes and felt with your hands and body. Alas, I can only hope.
I’m concerned about her I won’t lie. “Fatal Attraction” Comes to mind. I’m not afraid but i fear for him. I feel he is still blinded and naive. A scorned woman is a scary thing but a person with nothing but idle hands and free time is a terrifying thing. He doesn’t believe me when I say i’m heartless but I am and have been before. When I went through my big “D” I was so cold so emotionless so thoughtless and didn’t care. I absolutely did NOT care.
Change
At least what the ex saw and what I allowed him to see. to others it was known. Once the issue was dealt with then I could go through whatever emotion I felt or still feel to this day. But I was like the character in 300 (part 2). I was cold. I didn’t care. I wanted my vindication. I know what women are capable of. I hope he knows this and will take all precautions.
As far as the sub drop this time…….. it’s not as bad. I ache for him. His touch his kiss his scent EVERYTHING. While I did a decent job of holding it together (I had to tell my brain that he’s just at work) I walked into the bathroom only to find written in $12 now-discontinued Victora’s Secret red lipstick:
And Just like that. I broke. Please God let this path be right and be soon. I need to within his grasp oh so very soon.
I’ve returned it seems. The written word calls to me as does the need to write and vent. Master 
and I are doing better despite some turbulent times. I am still being stalked (I give it a week before she finds me here) however I am not afraid anymore. Master has been able to settle some nerves on that and it is helping. I see now how things are developing and changing between us, in a good way of course. Time will tell however and I can only strive to keep our dynamic together. Personally my health has been dwindling, with an insane amount of overwhelming stress I am writing this from my couch and partially medicated. It pains me to admit such things but honesty is the best policy after all…. Master said I shouldn’t be ashamed or see myself as weak for finally reaching out for help but I can’t help but feel that way. I wish I didn’t need this although this “rest” has been utterly needed and welcoming for my tired soul. All i’ve really done is sleep. I think i’ve slept more this week than I have in YEARS. I never realized the physical repercussions of stress can cause on the body but i’m paying for it now. Needless to say it’s more painful than any paddling or spankings or beatings i’ve ever had lol. It’s a learning process. much like a dynamic as far as what works, what doesn’t.
As far as outside our dynamic, things are flowing as they can i’m sure. My friends & family are concerned for my safety and well being as She is still on the crazy pursuit and I am a little afraid to leave the security of my home. It’s frustrating . I am not a person to be afraid. I don’t like that feeling at all but at the same time I do not want to make life difficult for either Master nor myself right now for too much is at stake in both of our lives and careers. I now know how people feel that I once interacted with at work on the street used to scream and shout “S/He is fucking crazy why don’t you believe me!? Why won’t you do something!?”